The last week was a glorious truimph for Hope.
I just knew I was pregnant. I've never been that certain. Granted, I had no proof of it, and I had no reason to hold such a conviction but it was there. And it was wonderful.
As my Hope grew, my chart looked prettier and prettier. My symptoms increased daily. But the Hope was there first, long before the body of evidence developed to give further body to the elusive dream.
Hope was vanquished this morning, but she didn't go quietly.
The sun was shining. I took a test. The lines came up immediately. I was shaking and crying, screaming and yelling and I was so happy. I was so happy I could taste it.
I told the Baron, I told friends in the computer. I was rejoicing in that simple truth shown on a small plastic stick.
However, something wasn't right. I could feel something was wrong but I didn't want to confront it.
The lines were horizontal across the stick.
It wasn't real.
It was a stupid fucking dream.
When I woke up, crying, it was foggy. The heartbreak of realising it wasn't real hadn't quite overtaken the sheer joy I had felt. I decided to test for real. Today was the day I had planned to.
The dream didn't come true.
4 comments:
Nothing I could possibly say would change this. But I am very sorry about your hope and your dreams getting shattered. It's really not much, but it's really all I have. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Sarah. I do keep hoping for you that your wishes do come true.
I am so sorry for the heartbreak you're going through right now. I hope so much that your dream does come true.
Sarah I am so sorry, but I will say don't give up hope quite yet. With my first one it took 4 tests for me to finally get a confirmation what my dreams and my body was telling me. First a home test(+), then a clinic(-), then another home test(+), and then my regular doc(+). And they were all within 2 weeks of each other and back before tests became real accurate (you had to wait for at LEAST 2 weeks after you were due)
Since the regular doc will want to rund his own tests you should probably go in anyhow just to double check.
The at home tests can be effected by a gizillion different things. Wait another couple of weeks and if nothing changes try it again...you may not have built up enough hormones in your system yet.
I just stumbled upon your blog by accident looking for a site selling furry boots, but I hope your dream will come true for you soon.
Ginger
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