Hello

Despite the best intentions I could muster, it appears that I haven't been in here in some time.

Looking back over my last post, I can still remember how crushed I was. I can also remember the sheer joy of getting a positive test a few days later, and I don't think I'll ever forget just how sad I was when I started bleeding a few hours later.

So here I am a month later. Still without child, and still surrounded by more animals than any sane person should be.

I'm off to Paris on Friday, so I may even have something interesting to talk about in a few days.

Hope. Vanquished.

The last week was a glorious truimph for Hope.

I just knew I was pregnant. I've never been that certain. Granted, I had no proof of it, and I had no reason to hold such a conviction but it was there. And it was wonderful.

As my Hope grew, my chart looked prettier and prettier. My symptoms increased daily. But the Hope was there first, long before the body of evidence developed to give further body to the elusive dream.

Hope was vanquished this morning, but she didn't go quietly.

The sun was shining. I took a test. The lines came up immediately. I was shaking and crying, screaming and yelling and I was so happy. I was so happy I could taste it.

I told the Baron, I told friends in the computer. I was rejoicing in that simple truth shown on a small plastic stick.

However, something wasn't right. I could feel something was wrong but I didn't want to confront it.

The lines were horizontal across the stick.

It wasn't real.

It was a stupid fucking dream.

When I woke up, crying, it was foggy. The heartbreak of realising it wasn't real hadn't quite overtaken the sheer joy I had felt. I decided to test for real. Today was the day I had planned to.

The dream didn't come true.

Rough times

Things haven’t been all that good this week, hence the silence.

In the space of a week, it has been intimated that my position as a non parent with the temerity to discuss child related issues is offensive, my words worthless, and on a kinder note by some more tender individuals, are just useless.

Then, to add insult to injury, I have been accused of wallowing in my bitterness (because I have the misfortune to suffer from dark thoughts at times in relation to my infertility and have said this), petty - because I thought maybe it would be a kind gesture for a poster to remove their children from their signature on the rare occasion I feel the need to ask for support in relation to my situation (not every time, mind, but those when I am in enough pain to need to ask for support), and unworthy of prayer because I wish ill on pregnant women.

Charming.

On top of that, no-one bothered to tell me that my cousin is pregnant. Not just a little bit pregnant, but 25 weeks along. Did they not think I would notice when I see her tonight? I know I am unobservant, but that was unlikely to just pass me by.

(I’m sure you can guess just how much I am looking forward to having to congratulate her (and yes, I am very happy for her and her husband. Of course, I probably don’t need to explain to the vast majority of normal and compassionate people that I can feel joy for her and sadness for me all at the same time, but of course we all know there are idiots out there, and that they tend to congregate in the same place), listen to all the pregnancy chat, and then undergo the third degree as to why I am the only one who doesn’t have children yet. Yes, I’m sure you can all appreciate just how much fun that is likely to be)

What else? Oh yes, another brief hope of pregnancy that went the way of the dodo. That was great too. There is definitely no chance of a baby Mouse appearing here before my 30th birthday, which is something I find very difficult to get past at this moment in time.

And the final straw is conducting a long review of anti social behaviour, in which the recurring theme is morons on benefits having children (twins, in a surprisingly high number of cases), assaulting each other whilst pregnant, assaulting the newborns in their mother’s arms and generally being shitty to each other.

I could do without this week.

Stupid doctor's appointment

So my appointment was a complete waste of time.

The doctor (locum, not my usual) was somewhere in the region of 30,000 years old. My heart sank as I walked in.

He simply repeated "your results are normal" to everything I said. I told him of the latest research suggesting that TSH levels above 3 should be treated and that the ideal for a pregnancy achievement is 1.5-2.0. "Your results are normal".

I asked about the ratio of FSH to LH. "Your results are normal".

I asked what would come next. "Your results are normal, so there isn't much to do"

I said that since I am trying to get pregnant I would quite llike some help. "Well, on average it takes 18-24 months to get pregnant so why are you worried?"

What the fuck? I told him that wasn't the accepted average and I would like to start the process now, given that my thyroid was higher than it should be.

"Your results are normal. We have nothing to treat. You can't be referred to a gynae until your husband gives a semen analysis."

"What about the fact that my results indicate that there are problems with me too? Do I not warrant treatment just for my own health? Current research indicates that my thyroid result is not good"

"Your results are normal by the standards of this lab. I don't know what else to say."

Ad nauseum.

So that is the end. The Baron is simply not willing to give a sample because he won't go to the doctor. He thinks we should just keep on trying because it eventually worked for his parents. They tried for years to have his brother - and look how that turned out?

So no referral for me, and therefore no treatment or further investigation for me whether it be for fertilty or for just my own health. I'm at a dead end.

I'm going to see my usual doctor next week when she returns, but this will all be on my file. I don't have much confidence that she will do anything else.

And to add insult to injury, I got a fucking parking ticket whilst sitting through this shit.

Bloodwork results are in

TSH - 3.50. Whilst the lab where I was tested consider this to be normal, new guidelines suggest that anything over 3 is indicative of hypothyroidism. For TTC purposes, 1.5-2 is recommended.

So I need to persuade my dr to treat that. Hopefully she will be ok about it.

My FSH is 3.1. My LH is 5.4. Apparently higher than a 1:1 ratio is not that brilliant and may be indicative of PCOS (thanks, Google!). However, when we did the test we thought I was pre ovulation in a wacky cycle. It turns out, of course, that I was 4 days away from an annovulatory bleed, and I don't know if that will affect those results.

So I guess I should find out a little bit more as to what those results are likely to mean.

Prolactin seems normal at 4.30.

Blood glucose isn't back yet, and I guess that the dr will want that in before really deciding what to do.

I have a starting point.

Gone and done it now

I've made a doctor's appointment to discuss the distinct lack of pregnancy achievement ongoing in this house.

Shit.

Now it is real.

Fertile land

My village is extremely fertile.

Not only are the plants bursting forth from the land, and the trees blooming with the sweet scent of blossom, but the occupants are similarly blessed.

A new baby girl arrived home, being welcomed into the house behind mine. A baby girl is due to arrive in the house next to mine. A baby boy is expected in the house opposite mine.

The fertility boom did touch here briefly. My garden is choking with fast growing weeds.

Fucking apt, isn't it?

Nope

Still not.

I'm getting well good at this. But does my one line look fat from over there?

Pity party

We have been TTC for 390 fucking days.

Is it any wonder I am pissed off with everything right now?

I went shopping today, because the Baron had eaten my emergency stash of ice cream. Bastard. I was served by a pregnant girl. In front of me was a pregnant woman. Behind me was a pregnant woman.

And outside the fucking store were two women with their newborns.

You can see why I needed that damn ice-cream. I've clearly pissed off the universe today.