Physically, mentally and emotionally.
So thanks for all the sandwich ideas. As luck would have it, this week I have been at a client that I daren't leave to find a sandwich shop. Let's just say it is a rough area and leave it at that.
Lila is now allowed out for walks. I have been getting up extra early to get her out to have a nice long walk. This doesn't mean she actually goes to the toilet outside though, so I also have to clean the floor every morning. That also requires getting up early, since she can piss a small lake.
We started puppy training classes last night. It was great fun, and she slept very well! This evening we visited my parents and their dog, and they have played for five hours straight. Lila has a more active social life than I do at the moment!
Work has been hectic. I have reports coming out of my ears, and a pile to actually write. I dream of reports. And of the Baron writing my car off, and somehow I can combine the two for a really thrilling dream where I end up with no car and millions of reports.
I feel like my mind may just burst, but we are unable to take any leave until May, and I am booked solid until at least the middle of May. Then I have to start my 05-06 work which has been delayed, so the holiday I have left simply isn't going to get taken. I wouldn't mind so much, but my team is up to date. As the other teams are not, we have been drafted in to do their work rather than employ temps.
We will get extra pay to reflect the extra hours (our reports must be written in the evenings or at the weekends to give us maximise chargeable time on site) , but frankly I am tired now. I need a rest.
I miss Harvey so much. I've felt a lot better in the last few weeks, but this week, it has really got bad again. Driving home this evening with Lila, I came round the bend where he was killed and completely lost it.
All I could think about was whether he felt being hit. Did he cry when he was hit? Did he feel any pain? Did he know?
I can't get those thoughts out of my head. The last few evenings, Willow has been jumping up on the bed, and my first thought is always "It's Harvey!". And it isn't. I don't know why I've been thinking that. I try to hide my disappointment, because I am glad to see Willy, but I end up crying into her fur.
I miss him.
1 comment:
Do I understand this correctly that because your team is up to date, you're getting saddled with extra work?
Being sad about Harvey will come back at times, hard as that is. Grief isn't always linear. All the stress you're going through right now can't be helping. :(
Posted by: Kimmer | Friday, 18 March 2005 at 04:24
Spot on.
I am working for another team today. I have a 180 mile roundtrip to make in order to do it, and I have to work tomorrow to complete my own work.
And the bloody motorway is shut at the moment.
Posted by: DMouse | Friday, 18 March 2005 at 07:50
I'm sorry you are so stressed! It must be going around. It is so difficult to not be emotional when under a lot of pressure, I find.
You will always miss Harvey, and I'm sorry...it comes and goes. I still cry about my Bella from time to time, who was killed in October, and I even cry about my childhood cat sometimes, who died 18 yrs ago!
Try not to think too much about the details...just remember that Harvey had more love when he was alive than many people get in a lifetime.
Posted by: Sarah | Friday, 18 March 2005 at 13:49
Ditto on the grief stuff. It never really goes away, it just changes form from time to time. I swear, it is a livable condition.
As for Lila...sounds like you got yourself a right proper toddler. Except if you leave her at home alone, no one will come after you. Hmmm...maybe I can trade C in for a dog....
Posted by: Miss Arrogant | Friday, 18 March 2005 at 16:06
I hope your busy season gets on and over with soon.
{{{Hugs}}} to you......I'm sorry for your pain over Harvey.
Posted by: Snapper | Saturday, 19 March 2005 at 12:11
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