Apparently something like a quarter of all Londoner’s would fail their driving test if they had to take it again today.
I’m not sure whether I would pass either……I think I would….I know most of the rules, but breaking them is somewhat deeply engrained. I can’t remember the exact stopping distances. I can’t remember what a red circle means.
But I can see why so many would fail. I think I met a large number of them on the road today.
So here are a few pointers for my fellow London drivers, gleaned from years of extensive motorway driving and countless near misses with complete morons. I KNOW what I am talking about, ok?
1. Indicate. I am not telepathic. I have no clue where you want to be if you don’t let me know, nor do I particularly care. If you do pull out without indicating and force me to slam on the brakes, don’t act surprised when you get a mouthful of abuse and/or selection of tasteful hand gestures. I don’t give a flying fuck if your children are in the car……your lack of driving skills will hurt them more than my language will.
2. Don’t assume that because you are indicating that someone is going to let you in. We all saw the lorry move into the middle lane too and that is why we all moved over half a mile back. Not my problem that you didn’t. Wait your fucking turn. In the same vein, the roadworks were signposted several miles ago, and we all saw the reminders every 200 feet that one lane was closing. I’m not letting you in because your lane has now been coned off. Tough titty, twat.
3. You ain’t so special that you can jump the queue. Ever.
4. Mirrors are a great thing. Embrace them. Odds are you are NOT the only car vehicle on the road.
5. If you want to stick to the speed limit, fine. Don’t get in my fucking way – stay the hell over. The overtaking lane is for exactly that – overtaking. Don’t try to pass a car doing 70 mph at 71 mph. Arse.
6. If I am driving at 90mph, do you really think that pulling out mere feet in front of me at 70mph is such a good idea? Especially when there is no-one behind me? Use your mirrors, you fucker.
7. Lorries, we all know that you have trouble on hills. So why the fuck do you drive side by side on a dual carriageway at ever decreasing speeds when there is a stream of traffic just wanting to pass? Why? Are you really that desperate to get one over the Sainsbury lorry by overtaking? You know damn well that as soon as you pull in front of him, he is going to overtake you again anyway……..
8. The tolls have been signposted for miles. Including the toll rate. Have your fucking money ready. And for the love of God, don’t go to the fucking auto-toll booth when you haven’t got change.
9. Don’t try and flirt with the bloke in the booth because you forgot your purse.
10. 14 lanes of traffic have to merge back into 4 lanes after the toll booths in less than 100m. That means back to motorway speed in 200m. Put your fucking foot down and move it, wanker!
11. There is an exit immediately after the tolls. So stay to the left if that is where you are going. You are not going to be popular cutting across aforementioned 14 lanes of traffic merging back to 4 lanes just because you didn’t want to queue with the lorries.
12. Stay in your own bloody lane on the roundabout. I don’t appreciate being forced to a screeching halt because you can’t follow lane markings.
13. One way systems really do mean one way, and that does include you, arsewipe. No, I do not give a monkey’s piss that you are driving a BMW, you can’t go that way and I am not backing up for you.
14. Parking is not fucking rocket science. Just park and go.
15. You have to pay to leave the car park. Before you leave. There are enough fucking signs to tell you that, so why are you so surprised when you get to the exit barrier and it won’t lift?
Really? Sort your fucking life out. Everyone else managed it and now everyone else is stuck behind you.
16. Don’t park on my drive. Just don’t. You will not be happy when you return to your car.
Tune in for tomorrow’s entry…..a “Survivor’s Guide to Road Rage”.
T-shirts, entitled “I Survived the M25” will be on sale in the lobby shortly……….
1 comment:
They're putting a roundabout in one of our local roads, and I'm already worried about navigating it.
#5 could be written by me, especially when I'm on the highway. ESPECIALLY when I'm on the highway on the way to Florida. "Get up or get over!"
What's your favorite term of abuse for idiot motorists? I pretty much never swear with the kids in the car, but if I'm driving by myself, you can almost guaranteed that I'll call at least one person a dicknose or asshat. It isn't deliberate; it just comes out.
I have similar issues as #2, but usually wimp out and let them cut in.
I'm really glad we don't have many tolls around here to deal with.
Posted by: Kimmer | Friday, 11 March 2005 at 04:02
Inbred cousinfucker has been creeping in a lot of late.....and dickwad, arsewipe, wankstain, arsewhore (for my fellow females)......the list goes on. Anything goes. Fucker and arse are the easiest to get out.
Even the Boy is in on it. He used to cast spells to try and blow people up, but now he just yells at them too. His insult of choice is dickhead, and he considers yelling that worth the inevitable punishment. Not that I am harsh, since I yell insults too........
And now I am setting off on a 100 mile trip involving the cursed M25. No doubt I will have more pointers to add tonight!
Posted by: DMouse | Friday, 11 March 2005 at 07:55
There is no way I'm driving when I go over to London. The roundabouts in the Bahamas scared the hell out of me and driving on the left side of the road is so weird. Great guide!
Posted by: Katie | Sunday, 13 March 2005 at 13:52
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